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Memoirs of an Orthorexic: Pocket Coffee

memoirs[Sometime in 2010] Student nights. Some think they are defined by excessive drinking and ridiculous behavior.

Some think that just because I’m a bit of a health freak I’m going to skip them. But just because I look after myself, I’m not going to miss out, or get labelled as boring – no way.

They don’t know how I’m going to hack this system. You don’t need alcohol to have fun. They don’t know this. They only need it to cover up their massive insecurities. But no, I’ve firmly decided I’m going out, and it’s going to be a great night even though not a drop of that confidence boosting intoxicant is going to find it’s way to me.

Ultimately I have the confidence I need. It’s more about energy. The second role of alcohol especially when combined with sugar is to keep you going all night without you realizing it.

So how do I sustain energy all night without doing the same you ask?

I know you are already racing through the options in your mind.

Energy drinks? Get out.

Coffee? That might do it. Actually it’s fairly natural stuff overall. I even have an organic one. But how the hell to I get that at the bar?

No. The answer I’ve landed on is: raw organic cacao beans.

Yes, the highest antioxidant food on earth is also full of theobromine, as well as a whole host of other electrolytes which will keep me on form.

These power punches are bitter, but that doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I’ve ordered them online especially and they are finally here.

How many? I’m not sure, but I’ll pre-load on some before I go out. Maybe some organic dark chocolate too. Then the rest fill up my pockets. That’s right, whenever I need the boost, my hand dives down and grabs my drug from the lining of my trousers.

I know this wouldn’t go down with all health freaks. But then they aren’t even going out. I know my genius astounds you.

I’m at my friend’s house now. To avoid peer pressure, I drink some cranberry juice I find knocking around. No it’s not organic unfortunately, but to anyone who asks it definitely has vodka in it. That’s right, I lie like a pro.

Now people are getting lairy. I’m yawning. More beans get chewed.

“No mate I’m not playing that drinking game! I’m already on my way as it is!” (or not).

“Ha yeah that’s so funny, you drew on his face” wow.

“We’re going to the club? OK sure”.

“Why is the queue so long?” Yawn.

More beans get chewed.

“What it’s £5 to get in?!”

“Mate I’ll see you in there… just need to get some cash out!”

More beans get chewed.

Why am I still yawning?

It’s cold, I’m shivering.

Now I’m going home.

I didn’t want to stay up all night anyway.

No one will ever know.

At least I escaped any poison getting to me….

That’s OK then.

But when is this theobromine going to kick in?

Surely I ate enough, where’s the energy boost I needed?

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